he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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