fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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