I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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