I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
