why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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