If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
