Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
