Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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