I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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