can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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