she woke up with a sticky ear
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you never un-have a 4some
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
