I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
barbara walters just said penis...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
