If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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