do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
