Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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