so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
