I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
