awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
