I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
