Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
