JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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