i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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