Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
