Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
