i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
