Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
