I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
