there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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