turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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