I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
