I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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