Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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