When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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