Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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