I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
