Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my being single is dangerous.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
