I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
