guys are not supposed to queef...right?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
