I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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