I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
