My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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