Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
