I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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