Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
