I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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