his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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