My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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