$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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