so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
