feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
