so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
