do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
