I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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