Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The beer is more important than you right now.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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