I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
